He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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