Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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