3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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