i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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