We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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