i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
