i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
