? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
