just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
