You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
