Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
