Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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