I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
