I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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