he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
