I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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