He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
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He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
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There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize