It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
