I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
