wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
