Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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