A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
