What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
