what day is it and did you see me today?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
