I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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