my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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