Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
