Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
