Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
