i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
