I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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