I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
