AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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