I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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