Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
