I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Bang-toberfest begins!!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
