she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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