guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
