well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you win again, gameday.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
