Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
