The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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