we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
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