Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
