dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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