I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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