I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
