I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
