we have pet lesbian snakes
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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