the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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