Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
