Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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