You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
