Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Be still, my beating vagina.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
