Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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