i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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