I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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