My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
