I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
