you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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