I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
